This theme appears to cross fields of political, socio-economic and even age and gender difference.  And lately this theme has been one of economic uncertainty.  Whether people have been impacted by the latest round of job cuts, or even by the fear of uncertainty that some express, both are palpable within themselves, and ultimately within the home and workplace.

My thought is that what many of us may be witnessing is a coalescing of issues to the point where people are finding a common ground with their concerns.  Consider it a “misery loves company”, but with an opportunity for growth.  Where the misery moves aside, and makes way for people to recognize that they are not alone in their time of plight and worry.  Being a former resident of Southern California I, not surprisingly, compare it to the geological phenomena of an earthquake.  Basically, an earthquake spares no one.  Whether it’s a 3.6 or something of a much greater magnitude, the shockwaves don’t dance around homes, but rather they expand out like the ripples in a pond leaving no surface of the water unaffected.  Some are impacted more than others, but all are impacted.   And it is this trend that I’ve been seeing more and more.  Except here it isn’t a geological tremor, but rather one of uncertainty.

Throughout my 20 years in the field I’ve seen resilience in all forms, and quite often I’ve seen it manifest in the unlikeliest of individuals.  Resilience and fortitude most often has been displayed with those clients of mine who are financially impoverished and have been for generations.  Impoverished financially, yes, but they’ve come to recognize and embrace that their worth is not measured in dollars and cents, but by their commitment to family and dedication to seek help.  True, if given an opportunity, or seizing one to make a better living, they’d take in a heartbeat.  But while that positive outcome awaits, they still define themselves in other ways.  Now, however, and as it relates to the economic concerns our families bring into therapy we are finding that families with little history of economic uncertainty are now faced with challenges that extend far beyond the economic.  Challenges that cause them to question, and many for the first time, how they define themselves.  They ask themselves, “Am I defined by the tangibles of where I live, the car I drive, or the number of leagues my children are in?”  Or, “Will I ultimately be defined by how I traverse this challenge in my life?”  For some this becomes an existentialist proposition.  What am I worth?  Do I have value?  Will my family love me if, for the first time, I have difficulty providing for them?

The answer ideally is one that results in the person being stronger than they were before.  The answer is one that ideally results in resilience not being created, but rather being discovered within.  And the answer ideally is one that inspires the challenged one to forge ahead with a keen focus on what truly matters most.

Again, like an earthquake these tremors are spreading far beyond the communities of North Milwaukee and are impacting many of those we work with.  Whether in Ozaukee, Racine or Milwaukee County, it comes across as a client dealing with alcoholism, or children who are expressing their parent’s job loss through depression, and for others it comes across in the workplace, where the job just doesn’t feel as enjoyable knowing that more cuts may be on the way.  But whether we’re looking at a family with generations of poverty, or a family who is just now facing economic uncertainty, both can find hope and resilience in the experience of the other.  And in the end inspire them to move forward with purpose, all the while emerging more grounded in what truly matters most.

Written by – Kenneth Cole, Psy.D.

Pause.
Stop.
And slow down.
Give yourself a chance to catch your breath.
We are preparing for the year to end,
The holiday festivities,
The days to begin to get longer and
The preparation for the beginning of a new year.

In the midst of this seasonal transition, gratitude, can be and is, like a cleansing agent for the soul. Gratitude moves us away from what we don’t have, to what we do have. The glass stops being half empty and is now half full. Gratitude takes the focus away from self and personal needs. Instead we look at what we have been given; we celebrate the goodness of others, God, and life itself! The word “gratitude” comes from the Latin word gracia, which means grace. Rather than living a life filled with stress, anxiety, and striving, gratitude gently teaches us the truth that all life is a gift to be received and enjoyed. 
Just as we may have learned to be dissatisfied with what we have, so we can learn to become grateful. How can we do this? We can do a “gratitude visit.” Or you/we can do something as simple as regularly sharing with your family one thing that you are grateful for over the course of the day/week. We can do this at dinnertime in our familys’ and we can live with a greater sense of grace and satisfaction as we approach and participate in this holiday/transitional season of our life.

As you/we/I, pause, stop, slow down, recognize how having and being in an “attitude of gratitude” can and does give much more back to us than given.

I came across this poem during my reviewing of recovery and therapy websites and believed it has meaning for this time of our lives.  The author was listed as being unknown.

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT.
DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT;
AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT,
BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND,
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH.
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
‘TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE’
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, ‘AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?’
THE FRIEND REPLIED ‘WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND,
WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT’
LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND
AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.
THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON,
AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY TO LOVE THEM,
BUT THEN, AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.

Share this with the people you’ll never forget.

TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE!
DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE,
BUT VALUE   WHO  YOU HAVE KNOWN IN YOUR LIFE!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

If anyone knows the origin of this poem I would love to give the credit.
Submitted by Dennis Anderson, LCSW, CADC III

But the world can be a cruel place.

And for many people, there is a lot that has happened that has been anything but good, or pretty, or wonderful.

Too many people are struggling. Depression dominates. Darkness permeates too much.

Too often, the world can be a vicious place.

It is difficult to find a good faithful friend.

It is difficult to find loyal, trustworthy people who won’t betray you or leave you.

It is difficult to find people who care or express compassion or gentleness or have time to listen.

It is difficult to find someone to love that equally and freely loves you back.

Having a life filled with trauma and abuse both destroys and deepens the survivors of violence. Trauma and abuse makes people find ways to cope that are beyond what anyone else can comprehend. But trauma and abuse also leave scars that last for a lifetime.

With all the darkness in the world, what is there to be thankful for?

What is there to appreciate or to enjoy?  Do I have the capacity, ability to find Thanksgiving?

Some days it’s just not so easy to find those good things.

Even though it feels like it, everything was not taken from you.

What is it that you hang on to?

Where can you go, or do you go, in your mind, that takes you to your very own place of happiness and safety?

Where do you find beauty?

What brings a smile to your face and warms your soul?

What gives you a feeling of peace, and security, and solidity?

Do you find it in nature?

When you see an incredible sunset or a fascinating unique cloud formation, what do you think?

When you see the beauty of autumn leaves or waterfalls or bright green grass, what do you feel?

When you smell honeysuckle blossoms or newly opened roses, what do you feel?

When a butterfly sits on your finger or when a baby bunny hops in front of you or you hold sleeping baby puppies, what do you feel?

What do you feel when you hear a song that reaches your soul? Do you prefer instrumental music? Or do you prefer to listen to the words of your favorite singer? Do the rhythms of your favorite songs create aliveness within your spirit that makes you want to dance?

 Do you find comfort in a cup of warm tea or in the scent of an aromatic candle or the softness of a clean blanket?

What about when you see small children’s eyes twinkle when they squeal with glee as they learn something new. Does that bring out your own sparkle?

Finding your own sparkle moments will help to remember that life can be good, and that life can be appreciated, and that there are things to be thankful for. Is life perfect? Oh, absolutely not. Certainly not for the people who have been the targets of abusers and manipulative con artists. Life is far far far from perfect.

But there are still a few good things out there – those places that hold beauty and joy — that can and will never be taken away.

Hold on to your inner self – your soul, your spirit. The world can stomp hard on those places, but protect yourself best you can. Others out in the world may not understand why or how you are doing this, but it is up to you to protect yourself from harm in any way that you can until you feel safe enough to not have to. Don’t forget — even in times of tight rigid self-protection, you can find sparkle and joy and warmth – but once you shut others out of your world, it definitely will be up to you to do that for yourself.

Create moments every day that bring that a hint of joy to mind. You don’t’ have to be jumping up and down with joy to feel joy. A little spark of joy is a good start.

Create something – anything. Creating is the opposite of dying so when you create something, you are adding to the value of your life. Creating something new is a way of creating life itself. Write a story, compose a song, choreograph a dance, cook a new dish, draw a picture, paint a painting, make some jewelry, plant a garden, sing a jingle, organize a pile of clutter, sew a shirt, embroider a design, build a bookshelf, make a guitar, clean a mess, create for the holidays- bake-decorate-celebrate, -style your hair, paint your nails, carve a bar of soap, bake some bread, etc.

When you can, venture out of your protective walls and find something outside of your home that creates a sparkle moment for you. Take an adventure walk around your neighborhood – can you find anything at all that brings a smile to your face? Ever so carefully, gently interact with others out in your neighborhood, local stores or churches. Gradually, by finding places that can give you joy when you are outside of your home, you will remember that the world is not all bad.

Even when it feels like you have lost everything and everyone, you can find something to be thankful for if you stay alive in your spirit and soul. Many trauma survivors feel that their soul has died or taken from them, but I am willing to bet that it has not. It might be well hidden and covered up, but it is there. You may very well need to nurture it back to life, but you can do that with the things that create those sparkle moments.

Make it a goal to find something to be grateful for everyday.

Find the beauty out there in your world. Search for things you can appreciate.

Depression and darkness do not have to dominate anymore.

Your ability to feel thankful and to have gratitude does and will help to change your life back towards the positive, one sparkle moment at a time.

Dennis Anderson

With taunting laughter they reminded us of our worst fears…

“You’re not safe”
“You don’t fit into this world.”
“You aren’t protected.”

They were cartoonish, and as we look back, they didn’t really look scary so much as they reminded us of our insecurities.

By the time we were in kindergarten, we had already absorbed some “monstrous” core beliefs that made us feel uneasy in our own skin. These beliefs were so cemented to our minds, we didn’t question them. We didn’t even know they were THERE. We just went through the motions of our life… while those meddling beliefs ran the show!

“You have many limitations.”
“There isn’t enough.”
“Love is conditional.”

As teens’, we stopped seeing monsters at night. But they definitely didn’t go away. They just took a different form – nightmares, anxiety, even flashes of existential despair. We still believed it was possible to feel truly joyful. We didn’t know how we would get there, but we had to find a way.

As we moved through adulthood, we found more happiness and healing, but there was still a major piece missing. We still hadn’t clued in on the dozen or so negative core beliefs were still sabotaging our best intended plans. No matter how hard we worked and how much we tried to fix things, when we had a negative core belief about it, our efforts were trumped.

Then, when we were in our 30’s, we began to meet people who taught us about core beliefs for the very first time. These people schooled us on how disruptive negative core beliefs could be. We went on to learn where they hide and how to find them! We began to understand their nature and loosen them up inside our own minds so they could be replaced with beliefs that made our life naturally flow better…and feel better.

“I’m safe and secure always.”
“I have a purpose and a place in this world.”
“I’m always protected.”
“Life’s possibilities are limitless.”
“I am prosperous and abundant.”
“I give and receive unconditional love.”

My sense is that at one time or another, every one of us has core belief monsters that silently haunt us. Whether it be beliefs we are not good enough, are not lovable, are not overflowing with prosperity, or are not vibrantly healthy, the monsters lurk.

Do you believe you were born to be powerful and monster-free? I think our monsters are just here to make us stand up and see how powerful WE really are. And a major part of becoming powerful is having POSITIVE core beliefs.

What monstrous core beliefs are spooking you from the inside out? With a little help, your negative core beliefs can be identified and changed out as systematically as a flat tire, using the assistance of your own inner Spirit and intuition!

So the next time you feel yourself getting afraid or tripped up by self-sabotage, just say, “move over monsters, there’s something meaner!” and begin replacing those pesky core beliefs with notions that jet you towards your greatest potential possible – inner peace and joy!

A message to me/us
There is a place in all of us reserved for survival.
Survival beyond trauma.
Trust the wisdom of you/me.
The part that wants to survive, feel the healing,
Move forward because backwards is dismal.
Look for hope, healing.
Move your/my story from a story of pain and trauma
To a story of healing
Acknowledge the trauma, give yourself/myself sympathy
Start telling yourself/myself a different story,
Not of fear, suffering and agony, but
A story of healing, a story you/I believe, that you/I will heal.
Let your brain, your body; know that it will be okay.
Know that you/I are/am doing the best you/I can.
Replace the anger, fear with waking to joy and hope.
Each day find something, many things, to confirm life.
The more a person/I, a soul, honors themselves, the better they feel.
Yes we/I are/am capable to find and reconnect to the place inside of us/me
That is reserved for survival
You will know this when you listen.

Blog Post by Dennis Anderson, MFT, CADC at Mequon Clinical Associates

Again, thanks for all you do each and every day and we can honestly stay, that we wouldn’t be where we are with out you.

Written by Kenneth Cole, Psy.D.

where you are is pretty good

Throughout the day it’s quite easy to find yourself caught up thinking about life’s many challenges.  Whether it’s running late for work, getting the kids off to school in time, or just staring at the clock waiting for lunch, it’s easy to worry about what you didn’t do, or be stressed about the many tasks that lie ahead.  But, have you ever stopped to focus on, or better yet, appreciate where you are?  I mean, at this exact moment?   This attached article from Psychology Today contributor and neuropsychologist, Dr. Rick Hanson, emphasizes the importance of slowing down to appreciate who you are and where you are at the moment.  Best of all, it doesn’t simplify or downplay the realities that we face day in, and day out.  But it does acknowledge that to face them effectively and with optimism, first you have to be in a better and more realistic place.

That being said, give it a read and let us know our thoughts.